+ hip hop loving pants-less fairy baby

My studio is a disaster.
I need to make a to-do list badly.
However, I can't think straight when MY STUDIO IS A DISASTER.
And, it's been this way for weeks.

Despite the studio being a disaster zone, Addie and I had a great time organizing scraps of fabric while dancing and listening to hip hop. She has become obsessed with dancing since our trip to Vermont. There she was introduced to a DVD of Mary's magical tap dancing grandson Dace performing. Addie must have watched that DVD 30 times, much to the horror of her nana who ALSO had to watch it 30 times. (Sorry Nana!) In any case, Addie is all about it now. Since she is potty training, she is often naked from the waist down. That left her in just a shirt & socks. She also added fairy wings and a wand to round out her look. That was the moment of magic for mommy today, the gift, the payoff - watching my baby dance, loving her own body, mimicking my movements, making up her own. So much goodness.

So today, I clean and organize my studio. I need room to birth these magical creatures that want to go home with YOU for the holidays. You may consider yourself lucky for your gifts have been blessed by the hip hop loving pants-less fairy baby. Ah, the life of an artist mother!

Today is the day

November 11th has arrived. It's taken months to get here and now it is here.

I've decided that the best way to deal with this day, is to treat it like my birthday - I only do exactly what I want to do, no pressure, no trying.

I went running, took addie to school, ran some errands, bought some supplies for my upcoming art show, picked up addie, put her down for a nap (despite having to go in there 3 times, saying with a stern face - time to sleep), and putzed in my office. Steve came home early from work and my friend Matilda & her son  came over for the traditional sullivan family cocktail, the oh-so-classic vodka tonic. I can see why people drink hard alcohol. It works fast. I was buzzed instantly and they all (my mom also joined us) made fun of me when I poured a second drink. Despite being Irish, I can't drink more than one drink (with the delightful  exception of champagne!) Needless to say, I only had a few sips of drink #2. We ate a simple dinner and that was pretty much the end of my night.

3 years down.

Ha ha (again)

Thank you Mystery. I accidentally scheduled painting classes on the anniversary of my dad's death. This has happened before and unfortunately, it seemed like it was going to happen again. This time, however, I also seemed to miss the fact that it was Veteran's Day as well. (Smaller holidays seem to elude me.) Anyway, my marching band babysitter cancelled because she is preforming in the parade. Then we ended up rescheduling everyone. Even though it was painting and there is nothing I love more than painting (especially with these kids) I'm glad to have the tomorrow mostly to myself.

But today has been good, besides the crying in the shower at the gym, and a little crying on the couch while addie took a nap, I feel ok.

More review. I played basketball again today at the gym and am loving it. I've played 3 times in the last week and all sorts of memories come flooding in every time I play. My childhood, the victories, the rivalries, the falling short, reading about myself in the papers, the running, the shooting, the endless drills, the pre-game warmup, my parents screaming from the bleachers, wearing my uniform to school on game days. As I shoot around, I imagine myself playing again with others. What would that be like? I love playing sports so much, but I am deeply afraid of injury. It makes me hesitate to get involved because I am naturally "aggressive"(as my dad would say) and tend to jump right in, head first (Aries). For now, I'll continue my strength training, running, and shooting-around but I'm seriously considering putting "The Final Countdown" (by Europe) on my ipod. That 80s gem, with that long-ass intro, plays in my head every time I touch a basketball. When the singing finally starts, all I want to do is a Lay-up. In the present tense, I am thrilled when "Let's get it started" by the Black Eyed Peas plays. That's my current PUMP ME UP song.

Finally, the painting. This was done by a 7 year old boy who is both a family friend and one of my painting student. He loves to paint. His whole being lights up when he holds a paint brush. The day he painted this was a big day in the studio, with extra kids dropping in to check it out. On that day, the ongoing students just went straight to painting while I introduced the painting table to the new kids. At one point, I looked over at this fella and he was smiling from ear to ear. For whatever reason, he was so delighted with what he had just painted. Who knows what it was, but it was something. We caught eyes, we smiled knowingly at each other and then we went back to work. That is why I teach painting the way that I do - for pleasure, self-discover and joy.

Keep it Simple

Today is monday. It's hard to stay in the present tense. I want to jump to Wednesday, the 3rd anniversary of my dad's death. Then I want to jump past it. The anniversary is a creeper. It's the slowest part of my life. It takes months to arrive. It refuses to go at anyone's pace but it's own. It's a killer. It's painful. I try to keep working, but the business slows down. I try to create classes but no one signs up. I fight with myself and make myself wrong for not being able to "push through" the quagmire, but alas.... it is what it is. I still wish it wasn't.

Life is so different since he died. My family is so different. My relationship with my mother and siblings are different. Many of the differences are good but we are all in pain. We all have our own ways of dealing with his death. HIS DEATH. It feels like it belongs to him. His birthright, his death. I want to scream, "selfish bastard, we are the one's suffering!" It's hard not to judge others, even dead others, but it's harder still to not judge ourselves. There is no good way to do this. No grace in grief. It's messy and ugly and makes me want to yell at others. It's the pea under the mattress that keeps you awake, only the pea is the size of an orca.

Today is monday. I did my monday routine yesterday so I could be free today. Yet, I don't feel free today. Furthermore, I don't really want to do the things I thought I did. I don't want to meet new people in the playgroup I want to join. I don't want to watch addie. I don't want to NOT watch addie either. I don't want to work or clean up my studio. I just want to be by myself AND I don't want to hire a babysitter. Can you understand why forward action is impossible? That's suffering.

So now what? what do I really want to do today? (I listen for the answer and nothing comes.) So, I guess the answer is Nothing. Okay. I'll do nothing. I'm feeling better already. Keep it simple Sullivan. No pushing. (I'm secretly excited by this answer, because when I let myself do nothing, I usually have a great day. no promises.)

On to gratitude Last night we had Sunday Supper with our friends in Healdsburg. It was lovely. Good company, wine and food. We don't see them a lot these days because we are trying to settle into our life in Petaluma, but mostly... it's because we are tired parents. Two of our Jen friends have new babies, Ivy & Flora, to compliment there cute 4 year old sons. It was magical to smell the babies. So many memories of sweetness came flooding in.

A Good Morning

Dad went fly fishing, so it's just us girls in bed this morning. These are the most precious moments. Look at those cheeks.... I smother them with kisses while she cries for her morning apple "juicy." Yes, this is the juicy.... kiss kiss kiss.

One thing I have been struggling with is my schedule. Monday is my "clean the house" day which also included bills, thank you notes, groceries, sheets, laundry, etc. I hate to have this shit drag on through out the week, so I have trained myself (a painfully slow process) to straighten up throughout the week, as well as do all the basics on one day. This program more or less works. However, I want to join new playgroup that meets Monday mornings. My first reaction is "this will never work!" I've been in that place for 2 weeks. However today, Sunday, I decided to get my "clean the house" day done early. This would not only please my husband (who loves coming home to a clean house) but this will also free me up to do the playgroup on Monday. AND the best part.... maybe steve will help me if it's on Sunday morning instead of Monday! Less work for mama is a good thing, and he usually doesn't mind cleaning. I'll keep my figures crossed and let the form be loose. Honestly, I'm shocked that I even thought of this idea. It makes me wonder... where else am I stopped in the "this will never work"?

It was a good morning, productive and juicy.

Sunrise Today

It's funny. Right now I am keenly aware of my cycles, or cycles themselves. I keep feeling lost and then I find myself again. I feel on-track then off-track, I feel good about myself then I feel bad. I compare myself to others, than I feel fortunate for all my gifts and talents. It always rebalances itself. Why do I expect that it should stay in one place? The nature of things is movement. Nothing is static. Everything changes.

Today I am grateful. Addie went poopoo in the potty (even though she seemed surprised and sounded slightly alarmed.) She also started dancing in a new way which made me stop what I was doing to laugh my ass off. She loves music and dancing. What kid doesn't?! She's definitely tempermental at 22 months, but overall she is amazing to be with. She is so super cute and fun. I am also grateful that Steve is fishing. It makes me happy when he takes care of himself.

I will post an art update tomorrow. I am excited about the Holiday show at Jack and Jills and hope to figure out some next steps as far as Petaluma Art House and teaching/arting/magic.

Walking as the sun sets

Sun is setting on the old structure, but the dawn has not arrived!

I am thinking about the New Structure again today. After a little chat with my BFF Fern, I find myself distinguishing present tense versus past tense. The cold hard fact is - what worked in the past does not seem to hold water in the present - aka it's a leaky container. There has been some mending of the container along the way, but basically we are due for a totally upgrade. As I have distinguished this for many of my clients in the recent past, I am now letting myself in on the information (in a conscious way.)

In an attempt to wrestle the demon of my amorphous to-do list yesterday, I just simple wrote everything down. It was not a pretty list, but it was not the ugliest list either. One of the main things that jumped out at me across the board was that I need to get my info updated. My dad died 2 weeks before I married steve. This was insane. Consequently, I have had a lot of resistance to changing my name and going through the hassle of updating all my IDs. This has been on my list for 3 years now. I think it is time to cross it off. Therefore, using the advice of my magical astrologer friend, I made a list for the planet Saturn as it has entered Libra (Oct. 29) to help me out. Saturn loves lists.

Saturn is practical. Saturn is about planning, structure, work, right timing, authority and is symbolic of the father figure. In Libra, there is a strong desire for balance and harmony in relationship. Therefore, Saturn in Libra wants structures that support relationship. When Saturn passes through any sign he challenges us with the question "what is not working here?"... often with a full-court press. Consequently, I feel like the screws have been tightened and I have to make some major changes in the way I do business, both personally and professionally, as well as in all my relationships. The buck stops HERE.