Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
So for now, I will keep this blog updated with my inquiry "should I keep a blog for my personal site." In the meantime, please find me on FB. Let's be friends!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Friday, January 15, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
It's been going on for the last couple of days
if I don't write it down, I may not have a record of it
so if it goes away,
I won't remember that it is possible to feel this way.
Here it is folks - I don't want to be like anyone else.
There. I've said it. I can't believe it.
I have a Capricorn rising. I love to work. Only, my work is non-traditional in nature, so I often feel unseen. There are people in the work world that I have admired for a long time. They mirror different aspects of what I would like to do and be. But I don't feel like being them right now. Not maira kalman, not keri smith, not lynda barry, not my dear friend mary. It feels so liberating.
what is happening to me?
i feel strangely satisfied with my life
filled with gratitude
it feels so good
I have some more truth to tell.
I am getting real. Getting Wild & Goatish!
The new moon in Capricorn is coming on Friday and it's big.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
what's standing by?
i want to start painting.
I'm not set up.
How is this going to happen?
maybe during addie's nap.
it's hard to put "my life" into little spaces of time.
people keep contacting me regarding painting classes,
for themselves, for their kids.
it's hard to say no, wait, soon, maybe, i don't know
I want to say YES.
I want to say "I know what I'm doing" and "I'm a professional."
I want people to trust me.
but really, I want to trust me. Trust my needs.
I need the time off. I need to
I am practicing saying YES to me first.
that's a big deal for anyone
the studio in winter
Monday, January 11, 2010
Sunday, January 10, 2010
More fuel for the compost. Still cleaning and organizing - trips to Goodwill, the dump, throwing out the old, creating more space. It feels good, but it's starting to get old. However, I see the light at the end of the tunnel - Mercury goes direct on the 15th. Mercury goes retrograde 3 times a year, so it's a nice opportunity to get this review/reorganize stuff done. Today I made a serious dent on my studio/office... cleaning and reorganizing my craft supplies, closet and tables from the craftastic adventures I had in november and december. It's funny. I really go all out during those months, and then the drive to sew fades away again. Now I am intensely interested in my intuitive consulting business - my clients are off the hook right now and I am thrilled with what they are up too!) I am also interested in redesiging/updating my heatherbleasdell.com website and and almost done redoing the petaluma art house site. So, then my winter will look like Intuitive consulting, painting, and training for a few trail running events. Yeah!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
I have been experiencing some major shifts of energy. Nothing is settled. My belly feels like it is being stirred. I dreamt of farming after watching The Real Dirt on Farmer John and woke up in the middle of the night with my familiar, Anxiety. Farming would seem like a relaxing dream-topic, but it was filled with stress, anxiety, and hard-work for little compensation. Once awake, my mind looped on Dexter, a Showtime series based on a fictional vigilante serial killer. I had to get out of bed. Not very relaxing. I still feel uncomfortable about the whole thing.
One thing I have noticed lately is that I have an OVERABUNDANCE of judgment. Lots of judgment about how "others" act. At times, it seems like a constant stream. Today, during yoga practice I found myself judging the teacher. Not her yoga practice or how she taught, but her.... AND, I don't even know her. I know nothing about her. So it makes me wonder, WHO IS JUDGING?
When I let myself answer that question -- the person who is judging is the part of me who is afraid to change. Afraid of leaving the old for the new, letting go of the familiar for a new possibility to arise. There have been some major shifts in my perspective and what I will focus on in 2010 feels very new. I am afraid of making other's angry by shifting my focus. I am afraid of not meeting other's expectation. So now, I am waiting to jump in, waiting to commit. This feels uncomfortable too, but I have made decisions while Mercury is Retrograde that I had to re-do, so I wait.... and feel my anxiety, and clean and reorganize my home, office and studio.
I ask the Mystery for help in letting all the random judgments pass quietly by. I ask for help and support in releasing this wild energy that tears things apart. And, I ask for assistance in completing the review and reorganization of my physical world, and the structures I dwell in... to support the part of me that I am letting into the world. THE PAINTER. There I said it. Kindness tastes good.
Friday, January 1, 2010
Pasta recipe From Biba's Italian Kitchen, Biba Caggiano. Clam Sauce from The Art of Simple Food, Alice Waters. (Next time we would add more sauce.)
Heavenly Hots - Francesca Preston
1 cup sour cream
Monday, December 28, 2009
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Sunday, December 13, 2009
- large index cards
- stretchy elastic cord
- cotton balls
- scraps in a multitude of colors/textures: felt, fleece, faux fur, flannel, etc.
The adult guests were the most excited about the Mustache Bar - I know I was.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Since I have a busy day ahead of me, I got up early to do my ritual. As always, she appeared overflowing with abundance, connected to the never-ending flow of the universe, ever-compassionate and giving. She said I was working/trying too hard and showed me how I can trust the Universe more, trust my magic, trust my relationships, and release control. When I am connected to her, I can see these things so clearly. Her Message: Miracles are happening.... right now. Trust and believe. You are not meant to do it alone. So, I am off to buy roses and candles to decorate her altar.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Big Show Tomorrow! I'm tired but stoked. The red hoods, fairytale girls, owls and grandma wolves are looking TOO CUTE! I have a few more steps to completion, but I'm really excited. In the past, I have been pretty good about documenting the process with photographs, but this year I want to photograph my stuffed-friends when they are complete. This is one thing I rarely have time for (due to exhaustion at the end!) My goal this year was to kick ass on my show, but not have it kick my ass (or my husbands!) There is one special thing I made this year, that I am really excited about - the mini-banners. You can use them as ornaments, hang them on your altar, string them up in your house.... I'm in love. The best part is that they were simple and fun to make. I will post an image soon, but I have to admit...bringing in my designer-self to work on my art projects has been a real treat.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Sunday, November 29, 2009
This is how I suffer -> I wonder.... what wants to happen in my business. There are so many things that I want to do and share. So many things I want to teach and make.
This is how I start to dig myself out of suffering -> I wonder.... if I didn't need to make money/work, what would I let myself do? PLAY, WRITE, SING.
What does that look like right now?
Play = putz, walk outside, go downtown, drink coffee
Write = in my journal, my blog, my new website
Sing = join a choir (this I cannot do right now, but I am in the process of investigating it!)
The theory is.... if I let myself do what I actually WANT to do, energy returns. That is also my experience. I am going outside now.... with my coffee.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Take a moment to sit down and asked yourself, what do I say to myself that causes me to lose hope, feel disconnected and/or lost? Then ask yourself, when do I say these things?
A Red Flag is an OPPORTUNITY to stop, notice and choose. Red flags are our friends. They are messengers of the soul to encourage self care. This is what self care is for me:
1. I wrote - website blog
2. I cleaned - my studio, I feel much better.
3. I went outside - walked with my husband, photographed the fall trees, got a latte, bought some ribbon for my art show and a book - Craft Inc Business Planner - I will let you know what I think about this.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
YESTERDAY I started feeling better. That is also amazing. Almost like a cloud has lifted. I feel good about life and less intense about the issues I struggle with. The grief I feel from late August through mid November is real and constant. It ebbs and flows, but it is most certainly there. During it I doubt myself, I wonder will it always be this way, I struggle and hate... but then one day it stops. I feel light again. Ah, I let out a big fat sigh of relief. Back to CRAFTING!!!!! My dolls are looking rad awesome!!!!
Below is my anniversary Altar - each year I pull out a box of moments, read the cards, our vows, look at the scrap book, touch the mala beads we put our promises into, light the candles from our wedding altar. It's a nice ritual.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
What abundance! I came home from my new moon ritual to find a unsolicited check for $2500 from my in-laws to help with the house. Thank you Bob & Dixie, thank you!! A financial windfall was on my to-do list for Saturn! More abundance to come!
So, Art & Magic works! What is Magic? the art of changing consciousness at will (dion fortune). When I make the time sit quietly & meditate, build my altar, release my fear, make my wishes known - this or something better, for the good of all and harm of none - and ask for help from the Mystery.....I am always answered. That's right. I am always answered. The form & timing is unpredictable, but help does arrive. Lessons are learned and I grow again. Forgetting this, is a recipe for suffering.
I have to admit, my head has been a bit foggy lately. I have been struggling with wanting to DO more than one person (much less one mother) could possibly accomplish in a day! Consequently, there has been a lot of negative self-talk bringing me down. Energetically speaking, this creates soul loss and opens the doors for old fear-based patterns to seep back in. Oh what suffering. Forgetting what I know is a hard row to hoe. So what to do? Remember who I am through Ritual.
I began to weed my spiritual garden last night in my new moon ritual but I have more to do. One major block I realized is that I have been VERY wound up (physically) and need to address that first. So this week, I commit to scheduling a massage for November and one for December. I've needed to do this since I began my physical training. No more excuses. Pamper Now!
NOTE TO SELF: I am extremely good at helping clients & students come into the present tense, clear the crap, re-affirm what they are truly committed to and know what their next steps are. I can do this for myself if I commit to creating the space for it each day.
New Structure Priorities, cont.
1. Time for Reflection
Monday, November 16, 2009
Monday is/was my cleaning-the-house day. I am thinking about changing it to Sunday, but I kinda like it this way. I guess it is not ready to fully move yet, so I will let it simmer a little longer. One thing about the new structure that did get settled was mornings. Steve now watches addie monday, wednesday and friday. I'll do tuesday, thursday and saturday. Today was the first day and it was great. I slept in until 7:00 (yes, that is sleeping in with a 2 year old!) Then I got up to write my moon tip for the new moon in Scorpio.
Scorpio brings a day of dark energy, and by dark I mean mysterious, creative, juicy energy of change and transformation. But it's hard to settle down enough to harness it for good. I have actually been thinking about this strange moon all month - getting ready, feeling excited. Now that it is here, I want to run. Ha ha!!!! So, what part of my persona am I willing to bring into the light today? My need for people to like me. Everyone has some version of this pattern and even if you don't, I'm sure you are aware of the payoff. If people like you = smooth sailing. However, it's not really smooth. The cost is huge. Being the artist I am versus what I think will be accepted and cool. Being the mother I am versus being the mother I think I should be. Being the wife, sister, daughter, friend I am versus what other people would like me to be. Giving what feels good to me and feeling satisfied with that versus giving what someone else needs and feeling sick to my stomach. Sound familiar. Even blogging falls into this category. Do I tell the truth of my experience, or do I "try" to have people like me by creating the perfect persona. Trust me, the blog was much harder to write when I was trying to do it right versus doing it my way.
Also, I am happy to tell you that I found someone doing what I dream about. Creating scenes with fabric. Worlds. Stories. Jumping off points of imagination. Sometimes I feel jealous when someone is doing what I want to be doing. It is at those times that I have to gently remind myself that there is plenty of room for everyone's vision. I want my vision out there. Can I let go of "people liking me"so I can step into my own Artistic Vision. Yes I can.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
I need to make a to-do list badly.
However, I can't think straight when MY STUDIO IS A DISASTER.
And, it's been this way for weeks.
Despite the studio being a disaster zone, Addie and I had a great time organizing scraps of fabric while dancing and listening to hip hop. She has become obsessed with dancing since our trip to Vermont. There she was introduced to a DVD of Mary's magical tap dancing grandson Dace performing. Addie must have watched that DVD 30 times, much to the horror of her nana who ALSO had to watch it 30 times. (Sorry Nana!) In any case, Addie is all about it now. Since she is potty training, she is often naked from the waist down. That left her in just a shirt & socks. She also added fairy wings and a wand to round out her look. That was the moment of magic for mommy today, the gift, the payoff - watching my baby dance, loving her own body, mimicking my movements, making up her own. So much goodness.
So today, I clean and organize my studio. I need room to birth these magical creatures that want to go home with YOU for the holidays. You may consider yourself lucky for your gifts have been blessed by the hip hop loving pants-less fairy baby. Ah, the life of an artist mother!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I've decided that the best way to deal with this day, is to treat it like my birthday - I only do exactly what I want to do, no pressure, no trying.
I went running, took addie to school, ran some errands, bought some supplies for my upcoming art show, picked up addie, put her down for a nap (despite having to go in there 3 times, saying with a stern face - time to sleep), and putzed in my office. Steve came home early from work and my friend Matilda & her son came over for the traditional sullivan family cocktail, the oh-so-classic vodka tonic. I can see why people drink hard alcohol. It works fast. I was buzzed instantly and they all (my mom also joined us) made fun of me when I poured a second drink. Despite being Irish, I can't drink more than one drink (with the delightful exception of champagne!) Needless to say, I only had a few sips of drink #2. We ate a simple dinner and that was pretty much the end of my night.
3 years down.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Finally, the painting. This was done by a 7 year old boy who is both a family friend and one of my painting student. He loves to paint. His whole being lights up when he holds a paint brush. The day he painted this was a big day in the studio, with extra kids dropping in to check it out. On that day, the ongoing students just went straight to painting while I introduced the painting table to the new kids. At one point, I looked over at this fella and he was smiling from ear to ear. For whatever reason, he was so delighted with what he had just painted. Who knows what it was, but it was something. We caught eyes, we smiled knowingly at each other and then we went back to work. That is why I teach painting the way that I do - for pleasure, self-discover and joy.
Monday, November 9, 2009
On to gratitude Last night we had Sunday Supper with our friends in Healdsburg. It was lovely. Good company, wine and food. We don't see them a lot these days because we are trying to settle into our life in Petaluma, but mostly... it's because we are tired parents. Two of our Jen friends have new babies, Ivy & Flora, to compliment there cute 4 year old sons. It was magical to smell the babies. So many memories of sweetness came flooding in.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
It's funny. Right now I am keenly aware of my cycles, or cycles themselves. I keep feeling lost and then I find myself again. I feel on-track then off-track, I feel good about myself then I feel bad. I compare myself to others, than I feel fortunate for all my gifts and talents. It always rebalances itself. Why do I expect that it should stay in one place? The nature of things is movement. Nothing is static. Everything changes.
Today I am grateful. Addie went poopoo in the potty (even though she seemed surprised and sounded slightly alarmed.) She also started dancing in a new way which made me stop what I was doing to laugh my ass off. She loves music and dancing. What kid doesn't?! She's definitely tempermental at 22 months, but overall she is amazing to be with. She is so super cute and fun. I am also grateful that Steve is fishing. It makes me happy when he takes care of himself.
I will post an art update tomorrow. I am excited about the Holiday show at Jack and Jills and hope to figure out some next steps as far as Petaluma Art House and teaching/arting/magic.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Sun is setting on the old structure, but the dawn has not arrived!
I am thinking about the New Structure again today. After a little chat with my BFF Fern, I find myself distinguishing present tense versus past tense. The cold hard fact is - what worked in the past does not seem to hold water in the present - aka it's a leaky container. There has been some mending of the container along the way, but basically we are due for a totally upgrade. As I have distinguished this for many of my clients in the recent past, I am now letting myself in on the information (in a conscious way.)
Thursday, November 5, 2009
***update: I had $4 in my wallet and the checks showed up in my acct. by the end of the day!