YES!

I am happily blogging away @ http://heatherbleasdell.typepad.com/ and on BuildAltars. Please stop by and feel free to leave a comment, if you feel inspired. xoxo heather

should I keep a blog for my personal site?

Okay, now I am considering stopping the blog for HeatherBleasdell.com all together. Why? As a mother, I feel that I need to funnel my extracurricular activities into ONE place if I can - rather than feeling spread out all the time. I'm not going to lie to you, Motherhood is challenging. After a year of writing, I feel like I am mostly complaining on my blog, when in fact the act of writing helps me to process my feelings and get to a better place. Do people really need to read that part of the process? OR are they simply looking for inspiration? The intention of writing this blog is explore motherhood, art and magic. I keep asking myself, where's the art? Where's the magic? That gets expressed on my buildaltars site. So, I am curious if "my writer" can best be served on the BuildAltars website blog, where there are actually tools and a community connection. The downside, is that it is less personal. It also means I will not be posting personal pics of my munchkin. I will have to save that for facebook.

So for now, I will keep this blog updated with my inquiry "should I keep a blog for my personal site." In the meantime, please find me on FB. Let's be friends!

Still checking out typepad

I am still testing the typepad format. Is it really worth it? I have to pay $8.95/mo. now, but I love that there is no banner (sorry blogger, I'm not a huge fan of the top banner.) I'll keep you updated. For more cosmic updates, check out the Build Altars site.

Moving

I am moving to typepad. Here is a link to what I am starting: http://heatherbleasdell.typepad.com/
Love love love FRESH!

+ weird feeling

a weird feeling is coming over me.
It's been going on for the last couple of days
if I don't write it down, I may not have a record of it
so if it goes away,
I won't remember that it is possible to feel this way.

Here it is folks - I don't want to be like anyone else.

There. I've said it. I can't believe it.

I have a Capricorn rising. I love to work. Only, my work is non-traditional in nature, so I often feel unseen. There are people in the work world that I have admired for a long time. They mirror different aspects of what I would like to do and be. But I don't feel like being them right now. Not maira kalman, not keri smith, not lynda barry, not my dear friend mary. It feels so liberating.

what is happening to me?
i feel strangely satisfied with my life
filled with gratitude
it feels so good
WTF

I have some more truth to tell.
I am getting real. Getting Wild & Goatish!
The new moon in Capricorn is coming on Friday and it's big.

+ standing by

day 2 of standing by.
what's standing by?
me.
i want to start painting.
I'm not set up.
How is this going to happen?
maybe during addie's nap.
it's hard to put "my life" into little spaces of time.

people keep contacting me regarding painting classes,
for themselves, for their kids.
it's hard to say no, wait, soon, maybe, i don't know
I want to say YES.
I want to say "I know what I'm doing" and "I'm a professional."
I want people to trust me.

but really, I want to trust me. Trust my needs.
I need the time off. I need to
honor winter,
rest,
dream,
paint myself
I am practicing saying YES to me first.
that's a big deal for anyone

the studio in winter

+ AVATAR

is it so wrong?

+ Mercury Retrograde - one more week

More fuel for the compost. Still cleaning and organizing - trips to Goodwill, the dump, throwing out the old, creating more space. It feels good, but it's starting to get old. However, I see the light at the end of the tunnel - Mercury goes direct on the 15th. Mercury goes retrograde 3 times a year, so it's a nice opportunity to get this review/reorganize stuff done. Today I made a serious dent on my studio/office... cleaning and reorganizing my craft supplies, closet and tables from the craftastic adventures I had in november and december. It's funny. I really go all out during those months, and then the drive to sew fades away again. Now I am intensely interested in my intuitive consulting business - my clients are off the hook right now and I am thrilled with what they are up too!) I am also interested in redesiging/updating my heatherbleasdell.com website and and almost done redoing the petaluma art house site. So, then my winter will look like Intuitive consulting, painting, and training for a few trail running events. Yeah!

I found my missing latte a week later

so sad. No coffee likes to be abandoned.

+ Sing it Loud!

I got an amplifier and microphone for xmas from steve. It was a huge surprise. I have talked about it for a long time and here it is. I can barely touch it. Not only that, things keep going wrong with it. First, the power cord was missing, so we couldn't play with it on xmas day. Then, we had some friends over and the baby touched the ipod player on the amp, and the player no longer works (but the ipod does!) So weird. Time to clean up any resistance around owning my singing (and joining a choir in 2010!!!!)

+ Kindness is good food

Wow, it is so easy to be hard on oneself - and much harder to be easy.

I have been experiencing some major shifts of energy. Nothing is settled. My belly feels like it is being stirred. I dreamt of farming after watching The Real Dirt on Farmer John and woke up in the middle of the night with my familiar, Anxiety. Farming would seem like a relaxing dream-topic, but it was filled with stress, anxiety, and hard-work for little compensation. Once awake, my mind looped on Dexter, a Showtime series based on a fictional vigilante serial killer. I had to get out of bed. Not very relaxing. I still feel uncomfortable about the whole thing.

One thing I have noticed lately is that I have an OVERABUNDANCE of judgment. Lots of judgment about how "others" act. At times, it seems like a constant stream. Today, during yoga practice I found myself judging the teacher. Not her yoga practice or how she taught, but her.... AND, I don't even know her. I know nothing about her. So it makes me wonder, WHO IS JUDGING?

When I let myself answer that question -- the person who is judging is the part of me who is afraid to change. Afraid of leaving the old for the new, letting go of the familiar for a new possibility to arise. There have been some major shifts in my perspective and what I will focus on in 2010 feels very new. I am afraid of making other's angry by shifting my focus. I am afraid of not meeting other's expectation. So now, I am waiting to jump in, waiting to commit. This feels uncomfortable too, but I have made decisions while Mercury is Retrograde that I had to re-do, so I wait.... and feel my anxiety, and clean and reorganize my home, office and studio.

I ask the Mystery for help in letting all the random judgments pass quietly by. I ask for help and support in releasing this wild energy that tears things apart. And, I ask for assistance in completing the review and reorganization of my physical world, and the structures I dwell in... to support the part of me that I am letting into the world. THE PAINTER. There I said it. Kindness tastes good.

Perfection

+ Happy New Year with Linguine & Clams, plus Heavenly Hots

Made fresh pasta with Steve. We haven't pulled the pasta maker out since moving to Petaluma. It was one of the first "kitchen supplies" steve bought for himself, way back in the day. Needless to say, fresh pasta is the BOMB. It was delicious. We staid up until 10:45 drinking J champagne and calling out friends. Overall, we had a fantastic night hanging out. Just like our first official date - New Years 2002!

Pasta recipe From Biba's Italian Kitchen, Biba Caggiano. Clam Sauce from The Art of Simple Food, Alice Waters. (Next time we would add more sauce.)

To make things even sweeter, we cooked Francesca's family's famous Heavenly Hots for breakfast today and had the Reiners over. They were baby-approved!

Heavenly Hots - Francesca Preston
1 cup sour cream

3 tbsp flour (you can substitute with Tapioca flour)

2 eggs, beaten - just see how the consistency feels to you once you've beaten it.

1/2 tsp baking soda

pinch salt

Francesca cooks them in Preston olive oil or butter, or both together. We served them with fresh berries, fruit, and creme. I love them with fresh squeezed lemon and powdered sugar. If you haven't tried that combo, I highly suggest it. (I got that one from Shannon Hopkins)

"delish!"   (nana's words)

+ What have I been up to?

This. Hanging guilt-free with my Munchkin. I have been considering taking January "off". I'm not sure what that means, but I need to go into my cave for a while, dream and soak in a little winter-wisdom for myself. No need to put the pressure on. I long to practice what I "see" in my intuitive work, for my clients and for myself. I'm planning on spending a night this week working on my New Year's collage. My "X: marks the spot"- the gauge that shows me where I am presently. (Steve is also going to be doing his.) My feeling right now is, I would like to experience breakthroughs in Painting, Health and Gratitude this year. I'm playing with it, keeping it loose. Mercury (the information planet) is in retrograde, so one must acknowledge that there is more information "coming in"and not get too attached (or upset) if direction/focus/intention changes. Maintaining balance is a dance, my friends, because movement is the nature of the universe. Nothing stays the same. Everything changes.

+ Christmas Eve

The Christmas Eve celebration was always a big deal in our family. I love Christmas eve. I love that Addie was born on my favorite day of the year. I love the number 24. Happy 2nd Birthday to Addie and to me.

+ Happy Winter Solstice!

Yesterday we celebrated the solstice with a great ritual in the Art House. We each traced and then painted our body. The winter is all about rest, rejuvenation, slowing down, and letting yourself warm up slowly with the rising sun. From now until the Summer Solstice in June, the days will get brighter and brighter. I also love this time of year because me daughter was born around the Solstice. She just had her first party to celebrate her 2nd birthday. It was awesome. We had bubbles. Lots and lots of them, and she is a bubble fanatic! So she was very thrilled.

I want painting

Addie says this from the moment she wakes up. I think she is speaking
for the whole family. Everyone wants "more painting" :)

+ Store Open

Visit my New Store

+ love petaluma, full of treasures

+ December Holiday Show

+ Powdered Paints arrive from Bhuton

Addie Painting - thank you skye and marci :)

Open up a Mustache Bar

Last night we had our FlyFishing Families Holiday Party. The theme was ugly sweater, so I thought that setting up a Mustache Bar in an old Makeup Case would be a fun activity.

Supplies:

• tape
• scissors
• large index cards
• stretchy elastic cord
• cotton balls
• scraps in a multitude of colors/textures: felt, fleece, faux fur, flannel, etc. 

I also included a printout  to inspire ideas.

The adult guests were the most excited about the Mustache Bar - I know I was.

Thinking of all the Miracles

Today is the celebration day of Our Lady of Guadalupe. All over the world people are lighting candles and making pilgrimages to her shrines and places of worship. In my own journey, she has played a significant role - bringing hope, joy, beauty and comfort through the many ups and downs over the last 8 years.  I may never know why this Goddess has come into my life so strongly, but I feel incredibly lucky to know her.

Since I have a busy day ahead of me, I got up early to do my ritual. As always, she appeared overflowing with abundance, connected to the never-ending flow of the universe, ever-compassionate and giving. She said I was working/trying too hard and showed me how I can trust the Universe more, trust my magic, trust my relationships, and release control. When I am connected to her, I can see these things so clearly. Her Message: Miracles are happening.... right now.  Trust and believe. You are not meant to do it alone. So, I am off to buy roses and candles to decorate her altar.

Pure magic

Preston's holiday party... Thank you.

+ So much to do

Big Show Tomorrow! I'm tired but stoked. The red hoods, fairytale girls, owls and grandma wolves are looking TOO CUTE! I have a few more steps to completion, but I'm really excited. In the past, I have been pretty good about documenting the process with photographs, but this year I want to photograph my stuffed-friends when they are complete. This is one thing I rarely have time for (due to exhaustion at the end!) My goal this year was to kick ass on my show, but not have it kick my ass (or my husbands!) There is one special thing I made this year, that I am really excited about - the mini-banners. You can use them as ornaments, hang them on your altar, string them up in your house.... I'm in love. The best part is that they were simple and fun to make. I will post an image soon, but I have to admit...bringing in my designer-self to work on my art projects has been a real treat.

+ handmade dolls and other treasures!

HOLIDAY GIFTS - New Craftastic Creatures from the Deep Woods will be arriving Dec. 4th in Petaluma @ Jack & Jills, 217 Western Ave, Petaluma, CA 94952/ (707) 981-7155.

Handmade dolls, ornaments and treasures - Come snuggle the magic!

+ Addie's Hand Turkey

This is Addie's Hand Turkey (age 2) inspired by a project i saw on the Crafty Crow.

+ Wasting time?!??!?!

Is there such a thing? I get crazy when I have a babysitter here and I don't know where to start. I say, "Here I am again, lost, wondering what to do." This is the point where I get on my computer, fumble around the house picking things up and moving things around... and of course, I chat with the babysitter. So, considering this a familiar place, I am making the most of my "wandering time" by writing.


This is how I suffer -> I wonder.... what wants to happen in my business. There are so many things that I want to do and share. So many things I want to teach and make.

This is how I start to dig myself out of suffering -> I wonder.... if I didn't need to make money/work, what would I let myself do? PLAY, WRITE, SING.

What does that look like right now?
Play = putz, walk outside, go downtown, drink coffee
Write = in my journal, my blog, my new website
Sing = join a choir (this I cannot do right now, but I am in the process of investigating it!)

The theory is.... if I let myself do what I actually WANT to do, energy returns. That is also my experience. I am going outside now.... with my coffee.

Organizing

Addie's work. What a genius!

+ the first Guadalupe doll!!!!

I could not be more pleased :)

(Now I am experimenting with photography and display)

Something I've noticed

I never feel organized when my studio is not organized. It makes be feel lost and despondent. I start to go to the "it will never work out" place... and that is a downward spiral. When I am working with a client or student, I call these points "red flags." They signify the point where we lose energy. A red flag is a sign that says WAKE UP and reconnect with what is true. When we connect with what is true, our energy and enthusiasm return. Red flags are different for each person because each person is totally unique. It takes practice and patience to recognize them because they are as familiar to you as your own hand.

Take a moment to sit down and asked yourself, what do I say to myself that causes me to lose hope, feel disconnected and/or lost? Then ask yourself, when do I say these things? 

A Red Flag is an OPPORTUNITY to stop, notice and choose. Red flags are our friends. They are messengers of the soul to encourage self care. This is what self care is for me:

Self Care
1. I wrote - website blog
2. I cleaned - my studio, I feel much better.
3. I went outside - walked with my husband, photographed the fall trees, got a latte, bought some ribbon for my art show and a book - Craft Inc Business Planner - I will let you know what I think about this.

Our floor

Happy Anniversary to Me!

Today is my anniversary. Steve and I tied the knot 3 years ago. It's amazing how much has changed in 3 years. Tonight, we are going to our favorite sushi place (Senju, located in a mini-mall in Windsor, what!) and then to see a movie NEW MOON... a romantic vampire movie, which we are both sure to love. Steve loves easy romance... think Bridget Jones Diary, Sandra Bullock movies and Hugh Grant. It's a date from the days of yore, for sure. I love my man.

YESTERDAY I started feeling better. That is also amazing. Almost like a cloud has lifted. I feel good about life and less intense about the issues I struggle with. The grief I feel from late August through  mid November is real and constant. It ebbs and flows, but it is most certainly there. During it I doubt myself, I wonder will it always be this way, I struggle and hate... but then one day it stops. I feel light again. Ah, I let out a big fat sigh of relief. Back to CRAFTING!!!!! My dolls are looking rad awesome!!!!

Below is my anniversary Altar - each year I pull out a box of moments, read the cards, our vows, look at the scrap book, touch the mala beads we put our promises into, light the candles from our wedding altar. It's a nice ritual.

+ Painters

My students in the Age 11+ class are SO stinking inspiring. I am looking forward to sharing some of their work at the end of the fall term. Brave, generous and funny young painters. I feel so grateful.

Thank you!

What abundance! I came home from my new moon ritual to find a unsolicited check for $2500 from my in-laws to help with the house. Thank you Bob & Dixie, thank you!! A financial windfall was on my to-do list for Saturn! More abundance to come!

So, Art & Magic works! What is Magic? the art of changing consciousness at will (dion fortune). When I make the time sit quietly & meditate, build my altar, release my fear, make my wishes known - this or something better, for the good of all and harm of none - and ask for help from the Mystery.....I am always answered. That's right. I am always answered. The form & timing is unpredictable, but help does arrive. Lessons are learned and I grow again. Forgetting this, is a recipe for suffering.

I have to admit, my head has been a bit foggy lately. I have been struggling with wanting to DO more than one person (much less one mother) could possibly accomplish in a day! Consequently, there has been a lot of negative self-talk bringing me down. Energetically speaking, this creates soul loss and opens the doors for old fear-based patterns to seep back in. Oh what suffering. Forgetting what I know is a hard row to hoe. So what to do? Remember who I am through Ritual.

I began to weed my spiritual garden last night in my new moon ritual but I have more to do. One major block I realized is that I have been VERY wound up (physically) and need to address that first.  So this week, I commit to scheduling a massage for November and one for December. I've needed to do this since I began my physical training. No more excuses. Pamper Now!

NOTE TO SELF: I am extremely good at helping clients & students come into the present tense, clear the crap,  re-affirm what they are truly committed to and know what their next steps are. I can do this for myself if I commit to creating the space for it each day.


New Structure Priorities, cont.
1. Time for Reflection

New Moon in Scorpio

Monday is/was my cleaning-the-house day. I am thinking about changing it to Sunday, but I kinda like it this way. I guess it is not ready to fully move yet, so I will let it simmer a little longer. One thing about the new structure that did get settled was mornings. Steve now watches addie monday, wednesday and friday. I'll do tuesday, thursday and saturday. Today was the first day and it was great. I slept in until 7:00 (yes, that is sleeping in with a 2 year old!) Then I got up to write my moon tip for the new moon in Scorpio.

Scorpio brings a day of dark energy, and by dark I mean mysterious, creative, juicy energy of change and transformation. But it's hard to settle down enough to harness it for good. I have actually been thinking about this strange moon all month - getting ready, feeling excited. Now that it is here, I want to run. Ha ha!!!! So, what part of my persona am I willing to bring into the light today? My need for people to like me. Everyone has some version of this pattern and even if you don't, I'm sure you are aware of the payoff. If people like you = smooth sailing. However, it's not really smooth. The cost is huge. Being the artist I am versus what I think will be accepted and cool. Being the mother I am versus being the mother I think I should be. Being the wife, sister, daughter, friend I am versus what other people would like me to be. Giving what feels good to me and feeling satisfied with that versus giving what someone else needs and feeling sick to my stomach. Sound familiar. Even blogging falls into this category. Do I tell the truth of my experience, or do I "try" to have people like me by creating the perfect persona. Trust me, the blog was much harder to write when I was trying to do it right versus doing it my way.

Also, I am happy to tell you that I found someone doing what I dream about. Creating scenes with fabric. Worlds. Stories. Jumping off points of imagination. Sometimes I feel jealous when someone is doing what I want to be doing. It is at those times that I have to gently remind myself that there is plenty of room for everyone's vision. I want my vision out there. Can I let go of "people liking me"so I can step into my own Artistic Vision. Yes I can.

+ cutting the show

It's Saturday Morning. This is good.
The sun is breaking through the fog, the family is fed, I'm in my studio and it's quiet. (Steve has addie this morning so I can finish cutting for the show.)

+ hip hop loving pants-less fairy baby

My studio is a disaster.
I need to make a to-do list badly.
However, I can't think straight when MY STUDIO IS A DISASTER.
And, it's been this way for weeks.

Despite the studio being a disaster zone, Addie and I had a great time organizing scraps of fabric while dancing and listening to hip hop. She has become obsessed with dancing since our trip to Vermont. There she was introduced to a DVD of Mary's magical tap dancing grandson Dace performing. Addie must have watched that DVD 30 times, much to the horror of her nana who ALSO had to watch it 30 times. (Sorry Nana!) In any case, Addie is all about it now. Since she is potty training, she is often naked from the waist down. That left her in just a shirt & socks. She also added fairy wings and a wand to round out her look. That was the moment of magic for mommy today, the gift, the payoff - watching my baby dance, loving her own body, mimicking my movements, making up her own. So much goodness.

So today, I clean and organize my studio. I need room to birth these magical creatures that want to go home with YOU for the holidays. You may consider yourself lucky for your gifts have been blessed by the hip hop loving pants-less fairy baby. Ah, the life of an artist mother!

Today is the day

November 11th has arrived. It's taken months to get here and now it is here.

I've decided that the best way to deal with this day, is to treat it like my birthday - I only do exactly what I want to do, no pressure, no trying.

I went running, took addie to school, ran some errands, bought some supplies for my upcoming art show, picked up addie, put her down for a nap (despite having to go in there 3 times, saying with a stern face - time to sleep), and putzed in my office. Steve came home early from work and my friend Matilda & her son  came over for the traditional sullivan family cocktail, the oh-so-classic vodka tonic. I can see why people drink hard alcohol. It works fast. I was buzzed instantly and they all (my mom also joined us) made fun of me when I poured a second drink. Despite being Irish, I can't drink more than one drink (with the delightful  exception of champagne!) Needless to say, I only had a few sips of drink #2. We ate a simple dinner and that was pretty much the end of my night.

3 years down.

Ha ha (again)

Thank you Mystery. I accidentally scheduled painting classes on the anniversary of my dad's death. This has happened before and unfortunately, it seemed like it was going to happen again. This time, however, I also seemed to miss the fact that it was Veteran's Day as well. (Smaller holidays seem to elude me.) Anyway, my marching band babysitter cancelled because she is preforming in the parade. Then we ended up rescheduling everyone. Even though it was painting and there is nothing I love more than painting (especially with these kids) I'm glad to have the tomorrow mostly to myself.

But today has been good, besides the crying in the shower at the gym, and a little crying on the couch while addie took a nap, I feel ok.

More review. I played basketball again today at the gym and am loving it. I've played 3 times in the last week and all sorts of memories come flooding in every time I play. My childhood, the victories, the rivalries, the falling short, reading about myself in the papers, the running, the shooting, the endless drills, the pre-game warmup, my parents screaming from the bleachers, wearing my uniform to school on game days. As I shoot around, I imagine myself playing again with others. What would that be like? I love playing sports so much, but I am deeply afraid of injury. It makes me hesitate to get involved because I am naturally "aggressive"(as my dad would say) and tend to jump right in, head first (Aries). For now, I'll continue my strength training, running, and shooting-around but I'm seriously considering putting "The Final Countdown" (by Europe) on my ipod. That 80s gem, with that long-ass intro, plays in my head every time I touch a basketball. When the singing finally starts, all I want to do is a Lay-up. In the present tense, I am thrilled when "Let's get it started" by the Black Eyed Peas plays. That's my current PUMP ME UP song.

Finally, the painting. This was done by a 7 year old boy who is both a family friend and one of my painting student. He loves to paint. His whole being lights up when he holds a paint brush. The day he painted this was a big day in the studio, with extra kids dropping in to check it out. On that day, the ongoing students just went straight to painting while I introduced the painting table to the new kids. At one point, I looked over at this fella and he was smiling from ear to ear. For whatever reason, he was so delighted with what he had just painted. Who knows what it was, but it was something. We caught eyes, we smiled knowingly at each other and then we went back to work. That is why I teach painting the way that I do - for pleasure, self-discover and joy.

Keep it Simple

Today is monday. It's hard to stay in the present tense. I want to jump to Wednesday, the 3rd anniversary of my dad's death. Then I want to jump past it. The anniversary is a creeper. It's the slowest part of my life. It takes months to arrive. It refuses to go at anyone's pace but it's own. It's a killer. It's painful. I try to keep working, but the business slows down. I try to create classes but no one signs up. I fight with myself and make myself wrong for not being able to "push through" the quagmire, but alas.... it is what it is. I still wish it wasn't.

Life is so different since he died. My family is so different. My relationship with my mother and siblings are different. Many of the differences are good but we are all in pain. We all have our own ways of dealing with his death. HIS DEATH. It feels like it belongs to him. His birthright, his death. I want to scream, "selfish bastard, we are the one's suffering!" It's hard not to judge others, even dead others, but it's harder still to not judge ourselves. There is no good way to do this. No grace in grief. It's messy and ugly and makes me want to yell at others. It's the pea under the mattress that keeps you awake, only the pea is the size of an orca.

Today is monday. I did my monday routine yesterday so I could be free today. Yet, I don't feel free today. Furthermore, I don't really want to do the things I thought I did. I don't want to meet new people in the playgroup I want to join. I don't want to watch addie. I don't want to NOT watch addie either. I don't want to work or clean up my studio. I just want to be by myself AND I don't want to hire a babysitter. Can you understand why forward action is impossible? That's suffering.

So now what? what do I really want to do today? (I listen for the answer and nothing comes.) So, I guess the answer is Nothing. Okay. I'll do nothing. I'm feeling better already. Keep it simple Sullivan. No pushing. (I'm secretly excited by this answer, because when I let myself do nothing, I usually have a great day. no promises.)

On to gratitude Last night we had Sunday Supper with our friends in Healdsburg. It was lovely. Good company, wine and food. We don't see them a lot these days because we are trying to settle into our life in Petaluma, but mostly... it's because we are tired parents. Two of our Jen friends have new babies, Ivy & Flora, to compliment there cute 4 year old sons. It was magical to smell the babies. So many memories of sweetness came flooding in.

A Good Morning

Dad went fly fishing, so it's just us girls in bed this morning. These are the most precious moments. Look at those cheeks.... I smother them with kisses while she cries for her morning apple "juicy." Yes, this is the juicy.... kiss kiss kiss.

One thing I have been struggling with is my schedule. Monday is my "clean the house" day which also included bills, thank you notes, groceries, sheets, laundry, etc. I hate to have this shit drag on through out the week, so I have trained myself (a painfully slow process) to straighten up throughout the week, as well as do all the basics on one day. This program more or less works. However, I want to join new playgroup that meets Monday mornings. My first reaction is "this will never work!" I've been in that place for 2 weeks. However today, Sunday, I decided to get my "clean the house" day done early. This would not only please my husband (who loves coming home to a clean house) but this will also free me up to do the playgroup on Monday. AND the best part.... maybe steve will help me if it's on Sunday morning instead of Monday! Less work for mama is a good thing, and he usually doesn't mind cleaning. I'll keep my figures crossed and let the form be loose. Honestly, I'm shocked that I even thought of this idea. It makes me wonder... where else am I stopped in the "this will never work"?

It was a good morning, productive and juicy.

Sunrise Today

It's funny. Right now I am keenly aware of my cycles, or cycles themselves. I keep feeling lost and then I find myself again. I feel on-track then off-track, I feel good about myself then I feel bad. I compare myself to others, than I feel fortunate for all my gifts and talents. It always rebalances itself. Why do I expect that it should stay in one place? The nature of things is movement. Nothing is static. Everything changes.

Today I am grateful. Addie went poopoo in the potty (even though she seemed surprised and sounded slightly alarmed.) She also started dancing in a new way which made me stop what I was doing to laugh my ass off. She loves music and dancing. What kid doesn't?! She's definitely tempermental at 22 months, but overall she is amazing to be with. She is so super cute and fun. I am also grateful that Steve is fishing. It makes me happy when he takes care of himself.

I will post an art update tomorrow. I am excited about the Holiday show at Jack and Jills and hope to figure out some next steps as far as Petaluma Art House and teaching/arting/magic.

Walking as the sun sets

Sun is setting on the old structure, but the dawn has not arrived!

I am thinking about the New Structure again today. After a little chat with my BFF Fern, I find myself distinguishing present tense versus past tense. The cold hard fact is - what worked in the past does not seem to hold water in the present - aka it's a leaky container. There has been some mending of the container along the way, but basically we are due for a totally upgrade. As I have distinguished this for many of my clients in the recent past, I am now letting myself in on the information (in a conscious way.)

In an attempt to wrestle the demon of my amorphous to-do list yesterday, I just simple wrote everything down. It was not a pretty list, but it was not the ugliest list either. One of the main things that jumped out at me across the board was that I need to get my info updated. My dad died 2 weeks before I married steve. This was insane. Consequently, I have had a lot of resistance to changing my name and going through the hassle of updating all my IDs. This has been on my list for 3 years now. I think it is time to cross it off. Therefore, using the advice of my magical astrologer friend, I made a list for the planet Saturn as it has entered Libra (Oct. 29) to help me out. Saturn loves lists.

Saturn is practical. Saturn is about planning, structure, work, right timing, authority and is symbolic of the father figure. In Libra, there is a strong desire for balance and harmony in relationship. Therefore, Saturn in Libra wants structures that support relationship. When Saturn passes through any sign he challenges us with the question "what is not working here?"... often with a full-court press. Consequently, I feel like the screws have been tightened and I have to make some major changes in the way I do business, both personally and professionally, as well as in all my relationships. The buck stops HERE.

+ beginning of the new structure

The first piece of the New Structure is this: Steve will start working 5 days a week.

You might wonder, why is steve not working 5 days a week? Because Friday is Addie-Daddy day. That's right, my husband cares for Addie on Fridays... and he has done so for at least a year and a half (she's almost 2!) There were many good reasons for this (special bonding time with daddy, mommy needed a day off without responsibility, etc.) so it was worth the financial sacrifice. However, after a year in our house, we simply have to UP our prosperity game and let more resources flow in.

I've recently realized that I keep my business on a short leash. The fear of it being "too much" overwhelms me before I allow things to really start moving along. As I am letting go of control of my business and allowing it to show me where it wants to grow, change, transform.... I see that I might have been keeping Steve's business on a short leash as well - oops.

Once we decided to change, all sorts of new possibilities started to arise. Steve was actually EXCITED about missing the first day of his flyfishing trip in order to work today. That is a miracle. He wants to kick ass at work and put us ahead... and gosh darnit, I'm going to let him.

Today, I have $20 in my bank account. Somehow the checks I mailed in to my bank are taking their sweet time in getting there. So, what wants to happen?

I'll start with gratitude. First, I will be grateful that I have $20. Second, I have way more products sewn for my art show than I thought I had - oh joy. Third, I have $3 in my wallet, so I will treat myself to a latte before I pick addie up from school. Oh, and I love my new journal - red and delicious.

***update: I had $4 in my wallet and the checks showed up in my acct. by the end of the day!

+ ha ha

Well, that old great idea about reinstating the "old structure" is out the window. Once we got ourselves back from Vermont the time change F*d us again. I don't know one parent of small children that is not suffering a little right now. At least Addie woke up at 6:00 AM this morning, instead of the dreaded 4:30 (which is not right!)

So now, I am looking at creating a New Structure. We have been in our house for 1 year this month. It's a big deal. Along with the anxiety and stress that this time of year brings for me around my dad's 3rd anniversary of his death, I am in all sorts of personal fear conversations with myself. To say conversation implies that there is some back and forth - i wish! Mostly, I am swimming in fear stories and starting fights or imagining discord with the ones I love. The main fear right now is "it will always be this way"... I will always work hard for little money, I have extremely limited amount of alone time, no one understands/supports me in my art-work-motherhood and it's a struggle to make ends meet and I am exhausted. Even though I have had the OPPOSITE EXPERIENCE and I know that the one true thing about the universe is THINGS CHANGE... I still sink into a depressive state.

One of the most rewarding aspects of doing intuitive work with clients is that it is totally inspiring - it's so easy to see and learn from another's journey. Their gifts are boldly shining through and their talents are obvious. "Next steps" show up easily and want to be taken.... and compassion for the client overflows as we gain more clarity of what they are up against in the story of their life. However, it is vastly more challenging to have patience and compassion for my own experience when I am swimming in my own fish bowl... choking on the shit of my internal lies... it will always be this way.... leading me to my worst fear = homeless, alone, poverty, hunger and cold.

I found these helpful tidbits through friends recently:

1. Let go of fears that appear as obstacles. When something is not working, ask yourself "what am I afraid of?" Let go of the fear and remember what's important.

2. When it feels too hard, appreciate something.

So far today, Addie had an easy time going to her new school. I saw my new friend joe at the Whole Foods - love him, hugged him 5 times, he fed me a yummy pear.

I also am paying attention to what I am advising others - always a powerful practice for me. Here I will skip the "story" and jump right to this: I am going to be putting more energy into MYSELF, an artist, which includes being more open about my process in this blog.

+ Time of Year

I haven't been writing. It's a hard time of year for me. 2 weeks from now is the anniversary of my dad's death. It will be 3 years on November 11. This year was way easier than the first 2, but "it" does not go away. I am doing the things I love to do and trying not to make a big deal out of how lost I feel at this time of year. Addie is amazing and takes up a lot of my attention. Helping her to grow and learn in a good way is a real challenge. At 22 months, she has her own ideas about what she wants to do and eat, when and where. Since we just took a bog trip to vermont and are now recovered....it's back to the old "schedule." Structure is a very relaxing place, once it is in place.

Currently I am working on my family's Halloween costumes. This is the best holiday for me. I'm wondering how deep I can go into the theme I am working with... and not offend others. My spirit cries for MORE artistic expression. It is dying to go TOO FAR. My friend Susan sent me a great quote from Paulo Coelho, "Don't control your brakes. Just make your horn louder!" I'm going to try to incorporate this idea with my other favorite quote, given to me by my crone friend Margo - "Right on Schedule." Next week, I start on my holiday show - sew sew sew!

Another deep sigh of relief. Good friends help with all sorts of things. 2 more weeks and then my dad's anniversary will be over and we start year #4.

+ more higher

Some new bloomin