Today is monday. It's hard to stay in the present tense. I want to jump to Wednesday, the 3rd anniversary of my dad's death. Then I want to jump past it. The anniversary is a creeper. It's the slowest part of my life. It takes months to arrive. It refuses to go at anyone's pace but it's own. It's a killer. It's painful. I try to keep working, but the business slows down. I try to create classes but no one signs up. I fight with myself and make myself wrong for not being able to "push through" the quagmire, but alas.... it is what it is. I still wish it wasn't.
Life is so different since he died. My family is so different. My relationship with my mother and siblings are different. Many of the differences are good but we are all in pain. We all have our own ways of dealing with his death. HIS DEATH. It feels like it belongs to him. His birthright, his death. I want to scream, "selfish bastard, we are the one's suffering!" It's hard not to judge others, even dead others, but it's harder still to not judge ourselves. There is no good way to do this. No grace in grief. It's messy and ugly and makes me want to yell at others. It's the pea under the mattress that keeps you awake, only the pea is the size of an orca.
Today is monday. I did my monday routine yesterday so I could be free today. Yet, I don't feel free today. Furthermore, I don't really want to do the things I thought I did. I don't want to meet new people in the playgroup I want to join. I don't want to watch addie. I don't want to NOT watch addie either. I don't want to work or clean up my studio. I just want to be by myself AND I don't want to hire a babysitter. Can you understand why forward action is impossible? That's suffering.
So now what? what do I really want to do today? (I listen for the answer and nothing comes.) So, I guess the answer is Nothing. Okay. I'll do nothing. I'm feeling better already. Keep it simple Sullivan. No pushing. (I'm secretly excited by this answer, because when I let myself do nothing, I usually have a great day. no promises.)
On to gratitude Last night we had Sunday Supper with our friends in Healdsburg. It was lovely. Good company, wine and food. We don't see them a lot these days because we are trying to settle into our life in Petaluma, but mostly... it's because we are tired parents. Two of our Jen friends have new babies, Ivy & Flora, to compliment there cute 4 year old sons. It was magical to smell the babies. So many memories of sweetness came flooding in.