Wednesday, November 4, 2009

+ ha ha

Well, that old great idea about reinstating the "old structure" is out the window. Once we got ourselves back from Vermont the time change F*d us again. I don't know one parent of small children that is not suffering a little right now. At least Addie woke up at 6:00 AM this morning, instead of the dreaded 4:30 (which is not right!)
So now, I am looking at creating a New Structure. We have been in our house for 1 year this month. It's a big deal. Along with the anxiety and stress that this time of year brings for me around my dad's 3rd anniversary of his death, I am in all sorts of personal fear conversations with myself. To say conversation implies that there is some back and forth - i wish! Mostly, I am swimming in fear stories and starting fights or imagining discord with the ones I love. The main fear right now is "it will always be this way"... I will always work hard for little money, I have extremely limited amount of alone time, no one understands/supports me in my art-work-motherhood and it's a struggle to make ends meet and I am exhausted. Even though I have had the OPPOSITE EXPERIENCE and I know that the one true thing about the universe is THINGS CHANGE... I still sink into a depressive state.
One of the most rewarding aspects of doing intuitive work with clients is that it is totally inspiring - it's so easy to see and learn from another's journey. Their gifts are boldly shining through and their talents are obvious. "Next steps" show up easily and want to be taken.... and compassion for the client overflows as we gain more clarity of what they are up against in the story of their life. However, it is vastly more challenging to have patience and compassion for my own experience when I am swimming in my own fish bowl... choking on the shit of my internal lies... it will always be this way.... leading me to my worst fear = homeless, alone, poverty, hunger and cold.
I found these helpful tidbits through friends recently:
1. Let go of fears that appear as obstacles. When something is not working, ask yourself "what am I afraid of?" Let go of the fear and remember what's important.
2. When it feels too hard, appreciate something.
So far today, Addie had an easy time going to her new school. I saw my new friend joe at the Whole Foods - love him, hugged him 5 times, he fed me a yummy pear.
I also am paying attention to what I am advising others - always a powerful practice for me. Here I will skip the "story" and jump right to this: I am going to be putting more energy into MYSELF, an artist, which includes being more open about my process in this blog.

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