+ Sing it Loud!

I got an amplifier and microphone for xmas from steve. It was a huge surprise. I have talked about it for a long time and here it is. I can barely touch it. Not only that, things keep going wrong with it. First, the power cord was missing, so we couldn't play with it on xmas day. Then, we had some friends over and the baby touched the ipod player on the amp, and the player no longer works (but the ipod does!) So weird. Time to clean up any resistance around owning my singing (and joining a choir in 2010!!!!)

+ Kindness is good food

Wow, it is so easy to be hard on oneself - and much harder to be easy.

I have been experiencing some major shifts of energy. Nothing is settled. My belly feels like it is being stirred. I dreamt of farming after watching The Real Dirt on Farmer John and woke up in the middle of the night with my familiar, Anxiety. Farming would seem like a relaxing dream-topic, but it was filled with stress, anxiety, and hard-work for little compensation. Once awake, my mind looped on Dexter, a Showtime series based on a fictional vigilante serial killer. I had to get out of bed. Not very relaxing. I still feel uncomfortable about the whole thing.

One thing I have noticed lately is that I have an OVERABUNDANCE of judgment. Lots of judgment about how "others" act. At times, it seems like a constant stream. Today, during yoga practice I found myself judging the teacher. Not her yoga practice or how she taught, but her.... AND, I don't even know her. I know nothing about her. So it makes me wonder, WHO IS JUDGING?

When I let myself answer that question -- the person who is judging is the part of me who is afraid to change. Afraid of leaving the old for the new, letting go of the familiar for a new possibility to arise. There have been some major shifts in my perspective and what I will focus on in 2010 feels very new. I am afraid of making other's angry by shifting my focus. I am afraid of not meeting other's expectation. So now, I am waiting to jump in, waiting to commit. This feels uncomfortable too, but I have made decisions while Mercury is Retrograde that I had to re-do, so I wait.... and feel my anxiety, and clean and reorganize my home, office and studio.

I ask the Mystery for help in letting all the random judgments pass quietly by. I ask for help and support in releasing this wild energy that tears things apart. And, I ask for assistance in completing the review and reorganization of my physical world, and the structures I dwell in... to support the part of me that I am letting into the world. THE PAINTER. There I said it. Kindness tastes good.

New Moon in Scorpio

Monday is/was my cleaning-the-house day. I am thinking about changing it to Sunday, but I kinda like it this way. I guess it is not ready to fully move yet, so I will let it simmer a little longer. One thing about the new structure that did get settled was mornings. Steve now watches addie monday, wednesday and friday. I'll do tuesday, thursday and saturday. Today was the first day and it was great. I slept in until 7:00 (yes, that is sleeping in with a 2 year old!) Then I got up to write my moon tip for the new moon in Scorpio.

Scorpio brings a day of dark energy, and by dark I mean mysterious, creative, juicy energy of change and transformation. But it's hard to settle down enough to harness it for good. I have actually been thinking about this strange moon all month - getting ready, feeling excited. Now that it is here, I want to run. Ha ha!!!! So, what part of my persona am I willing to bring into the light today? My need for people to like me. Everyone has some version of this pattern and even if you don't, I'm sure you are aware of the payoff. If people like you = smooth sailing. However, it's not really smooth. The cost is huge. Being the artist I am versus what I think will be accepted and cool. Being the mother I am versus being the mother I think I should be. Being the wife, sister, daughter, friend I am versus what other people would like me to be. Giving what feels good to me and feeling satisfied with that versus giving what someone else needs and feeling sick to my stomach. Sound familiar. Even blogging falls into this category. Do I tell the truth of my experience, or do I "try" to have people like me by creating the perfect persona. Trust me, the blog was much harder to write when I was trying to do it right versus doing it my way.

Also, I am happy to tell you that I found someone doing what I dream about. Creating scenes with fabric. Worlds. Stories. Jumping off points of imagination. Sometimes I feel jealous when someone is doing what I want to be doing. It is at those times that I have to gently remind myself that there is plenty of room for everyone's vision. I want my vision out there. Can I let go of "people liking me"so I can step into my own Artistic Vision. Yes I can.

+ hip hop loving pants-less fairy baby

My studio is a disaster.
I need to make a to-do list badly.
However, I can't think straight when MY STUDIO IS A DISASTER.
And, it's been this way for weeks.

Despite the studio being a disaster zone, Addie and I had a great time organizing scraps of fabric while dancing and listening to hip hop. She has become obsessed with dancing since our trip to Vermont. There she was introduced to a DVD of Mary's magical tap dancing grandson Dace performing. Addie must have watched that DVD 30 times, much to the horror of her nana who ALSO had to watch it 30 times. (Sorry Nana!) In any case, Addie is all about it now. Since she is potty training, she is often naked from the waist down. That left her in just a shirt & socks. She also added fairy wings and a wand to round out her look. That was the moment of magic for mommy today, the gift, the payoff - watching my baby dance, loving her own body, mimicking my movements, making up her own. So much goodness.

So today, I clean and organize my studio. I need room to birth these magical creatures that want to go home with YOU for the holidays. You may consider yourself lucky for your gifts have been blessed by the hip hop loving pants-less fairy baby. Ah, the life of an artist mother!

+ ha ha

Well, that old great idea about reinstating the "old structure" is out the window. Once we got ourselves back from Vermont the time change F*d us again. I don't know one parent of small children that is not suffering a little right now. At least Addie woke up at 6:00 AM this morning, instead of the dreaded 4:30 (which is not right!)

So now, I am looking at creating a New Structure. We have been in our house for 1 year this month. It's a big deal. Along with the anxiety and stress that this time of year brings for me around my dad's 3rd anniversary of his death, I am in all sorts of personal fear conversations with myself. To say conversation implies that there is some back and forth - i wish! Mostly, I am swimming in fear stories and starting fights or imagining discord with the ones I love. The main fear right now is "it will always be this way"... I will always work hard for little money, I have extremely limited amount of alone time, no one understands/supports me in my art-work-motherhood and it's a struggle to make ends meet and I am exhausted. Even though I have had the OPPOSITE EXPERIENCE and I know that the one true thing about the universe is THINGS CHANGE... I still sink into a depressive state.

One of the most rewarding aspects of doing intuitive work with clients is that it is totally inspiring - it's so easy to see and learn from another's journey. Their gifts are boldly shining through and their talents are obvious. "Next steps" show up easily and want to be taken.... and compassion for the client overflows as we gain more clarity of what they are up against in the story of their life. However, it is vastly more challenging to have patience and compassion for my own experience when I am swimming in my own fish bowl... choking on the shit of my internal lies... it will always be this way.... leading me to my worst fear = homeless, alone, poverty, hunger and cold.

I found these helpful tidbits through friends recently:

1. Let go of fears that appear as obstacles. When something is not working, ask yourself "what am I afraid of?" Let go of the fear and remember what's important.

2. When it feels too hard, appreciate something.

So far today, Addie had an easy time going to her new school. I saw my new friend joe at the Whole Foods - love him, hugged him 5 times, he fed me a yummy pear.

I also am paying attention to what I am advising others - always a powerful practice for me. Here I will skip the "story" and jump right to this: I am going to be putting more energy into MYSELF, an artist, which includes being more open about my process in this blog.

+ Coming Together

Addie standing in the "new sink" from Heritage Salvage in Petaluma. We have found quite a lot of our magical materials there.

Today the new paint brushes and promo postcards arrived. Who doesn't love opening boxes of art supplies? Then I spent my lunch mixing the luscious colors for the new paint pots. Tonight, steve is sanding the sink's counter and hanging the painting walls. It's a beautiful thing.

In training news, I had a great trail run with Anne Marie today. I just love running up and down mountains. It's sick. But there is a lot to learn about running "The Sport" as my coach calls it. Today, when we were NOT running the trail, she was coaching me on quick steps and posture (shoulders back, chest up, relaxed face.) It felt strange - like being in marching band on steroids - but everything else she has taught me has worked out great. Tomorrow I go back to the treadmill.

New Art Goal: one image a day.

+ Making Amulets

Very excited about the Amulet class I am creating with Francesca. Today she came over and brought delicious text and an incredible image. YES YES YES - current class description

+ Organization & Training

Wow, i have been in the studio 3 times this week! The energy is building. The paper is ordered. The paints and brushes are on their way. The sink and walls will be finished this weekend. It's going really really well.

Today, Organization and Commitment to the Body!

One - As a mom, I can't say enough about being organized. I have a real resistance to disciplining myself, but I've found an immense sense of satisfaction in my recent accomplishments. I started a binder to highlight the areas of life I am committed too. I also have a schedule printed out for the week with my training each day, my personal & creative practice, home commitments, childcare provider and what I am eating for lunch. (Yes, I tend to not eat lunch, in favor of working during my daughter's nap.) Having a schedule and accountability has helped me to also take more time off and spend more time in my studio. As a mom working for myself, it's easy to "space out" and say tomorrow is a better day to do _________. Now, I feel I can channel my energy for work more directly, for better results. There is always room for improvement (and vacations!)

Two - I'm sad that I am missing my training with my coach today. My right shoulder and right low back have been bothering me. I made an appointment with the Chiropractor, so I am hopefully that I can come back into alignment. I am feeling really strong and alive with my physical training. AND I feel really ready to heal these old injuries of bad posture and too much unconscious time on the computer (starting in my late 20s.) In the past, the Chiropractor has helped relieve pain, but I rarely did the assigned exercises to strengthen the areas of weakness. I am 100% committed now. I'll let you know how that goes.

Today is my "day off" meaning my husband watches addie. I am going to be in my studio painting, as well as printing up flyers for my fall after-school classes. Later, I will be going to the Chiro, as I said.

+ Petlauma Art House website

Today I launched the Petaluma Art House website. I have been working on that, among other organizational projects, for weeks now while my client-based business has been resting for the summer. What a journey I have had. And... I have been feeling like things are just about to pick up, so I am excited.

In retrospect, I see why this break from client-work has been good. I needed time to take a step back and re-assess what my goals are in relationship to my new situation - being a mom and living in Petaluma. Knowing that, I could get very clear on the direction I want to take in with my work as an artist and teacher. Again, I feel pretty excited. I can't wait to open the painting studio in September. It feels like it is time, I'm ready and it is definitely wanted. SO here we go...

+ Make Art

"I was out walking the dear dog and I saw 500 things that made me want to make art." - Maira Kalman

Art & Motherhood Documentary

Who Does She Think She IS Documentary

artist maira kalman

maira kalman

An Interview: http://inspirationboards.blogspot.com/2008/03/maira-kalman.html

New York Times