should I keep a blog for my personal site?

Okay, now I am considering stopping the blog for HeatherBleasdell.com all together. Why? As a mother, I feel that I need to funnel my extracurricular activities into ONE place if I can - rather than feeling spread out all the time. I'm not going to lie to you, Motherhood is challenging. After a year of writing, I feel like I am mostly complaining on my blog, when in fact the act of writing helps me to process my feelings and get to a better place. Do people really need to read that part of the process? OR are they simply looking for inspiration? The intention of writing this blog is explore motherhood, art and magic. I keep asking myself, where's the art? Where's the magic? That gets expressed on my buildaltars site. So, I am curious if "my writer" can best be served on the BuildAltars website blog, where there are actually tools and a community connection. The downside, is that it is less personal. It also means I will not be posting personal pics of my munchkin. I will have to save that for facebook.

So for now, I will keep this blog updated with my inquiry "should I keep a blog for my personal site." In the meantime, please find me on FB. Let's be friends!

Moving

I am moving to typepad. Here is a link to what I am starting: http://heatherbleasdell.typepad.com/
Love love love FRESH!

+ weird feeling

a weird feeling is coming over me.
It's been going on for the last couple of days
if I don't write it down, I may not have a record of it
so if it goes away,
I won't remember that it is possible to feel this way.

Here it is folks - I don't want to be like anyone else.

There. I've said it. I can't believe it.

I have a Capricorn rising. I love to work. Only, my work is non-traditional in nature, so I often feel unseen. There are people in the work world that I have admired for a long time. They mirror different aspects of what I would like to do and be. But I don't feel like being them right now. Not maira kalman, not keri smith, not lynda barry, not my dear friend mary. It feels so liberating.

what is happening to me?
i feel strangely satisfied with my life
filled with gratitude
it feels so good
WTF

I have some more truth to tell.
I am getting real. Getting Wild & Goatish!
The new moon in Capricorn is coming on Friday and it's big.

+ standing by

day 2 of standing by.
what's standing by?
me.
i want to start painting.
I'm not set up.
How is this going to happen?
maybe during addie's nap.
it's hard to put "my life" into little spaces of time.

people keep contacting me regarding painting classes,
for themselves, for their kids.
it's hard to say no, wait, soon, maybe, i don't know
I want to say YES.
I want to say "I know what I'm doing" and "I'm a professional."
I want people to trust me.

but really, I want to trust me. Trust my needs.
I need the time off. I need to
honor winter,
rest,
dream,
paint myself
I am practicing saying YES to me first.
that's a big deal for anyone

the studio in winter

+ Wasting time?!??!?!

Is there such a thing? I get crazy when I have a babysitter here and I don't know where to start. I say, "Here I am again, lost, wondering what to do." This is the point where I get on my computer, fumble around the house picking things up and moving things around... and of course, I chat with the babysitter. So, considering this a familiar place, I am making the most of my "wandering time" by writing.


This is how I suffer -> I wonder.... what wants to happen in my business. There are so many things that I want to do and share. So many things I want to teach and make.

This is how I start to dig myself out of suffering -> I wonder.... if I didn't need to make money/work, what would I let myself do? PLAY, WRITE, SING.

What does that look like right now?
Play = putz, walk outside, go downtown, drink coffee
Write = in my journal, my blog, my new website
Sing = join a choir (this I cannot do right now, but I am in the process of investigating it!)

The theory is.... if I let myself do what I actually WANT to do, energy returns. That is also my experience. I am going outside now.... with my coffee.

Happy Anniversary to Me!

Today is my anniversary. Steve and I tied the knot 3 years ago. It's amazing how much has changed in 3 years. Tonight, we are going to our favorite sushi place (Senju, located in a mini-mall in Windsor, what!) and then to see a movie NEW MOON... a romantic vampire movie, which we are both sure to love. Steve loves easy romance... think Bridget Jones Diary, Sandra Bullock movies and Hugh Grant. It's a date from the days of yore, for sure. I love my man.

YESTERDAY I started feeling better. That is also amazing. Almost like a cloud has lifted. I feel good about life and less intense about the issues I struggle with. The grief I feel from late August through  mid November is real and constant. It ebbs and flows, but it is most certainly there. During it I doubt myself, I wonder will it always be this way, I struggle and hate... but then one day it stops. I feel light again. Ah, I let out a big fat sigh of relief. Back to CRAFTING!!!!! My dolls are looking rad awesome!!!!

Below is my anniversary Altar - each year I pull out a box of moments, read the cards, our vows, look at the scrap book, touch the mala beads we put our promises into, light the candles from our wedding altar. It's a nice ritual.

+ beginning of the new structure

The first piece of the New Structure is this: Steve will start working 5 days a week.

You might wonder, why is steve not working 5 days a week? Because Friday is Addie-Daddy day. That's right, my husband cares for Addie on Fridays... and he has done so for at least a year and a half (she's almost 2!) There were many good reasons for this (special bonding time with daddy, mommy needed a day off without responsibility, etc.) so it was worth the financial sacrifice. However, after a year in our house, we simply have to UP our prosperity game and let more resources flow in.

I've recently realized that I keep my business on a short leash. The fear of it being "too much" overwhelms me before I allow things to really start moving along. As I am letting go of control of my business and allowing it to show me where it wants to grow, change, transform.... I see that I might have been keeping Steve's business on a short leash as well - oops.

Once we decided to change, all sorts of new possibilities started to arise. Steve was actually EXCITED about missing the first day of his flyfishing trip in order to work today. That is a miracle. He wants to kick ass at work and put us ahead... and gosh darnit, I'm going to let him.

Today, I have $20 in my bank account. Somehow the checks I mailed in to my bank are taking their sweet time in getting there. So, what wants to happen?

I'll start with gratitude. First, I will be grateful that I have $20. Second, I have way more products sewn for my art show than I thought I had - oh joy. Third, I have $3 in my wallet, so I will treat myself to a latte before I pick addie up from school. Oh, and I love my new journal - red and delicious.

***update: I had $4 in my wallet and the checks showed up in my acct. by the end of the day!

+ ha ha

Well, that old great idea about reinstating the "old structure" is out the window. Once we got ourselves back from Vermont the time change F*d us again. I don't know one parent of small children that is not suffering a little right now. At least Addie woke up at 6:00 AM this morning, instead of the dreaded 4:30 (which is not right!)

So now, I am looking at creating a New Structure. We have been in our house for 1 year this month. It's a big deal. Along with the anxiety and stress that this time of year brings for me around my dad's 3rd anniversary of his death, I am in all sorts of personal fear conversations with myself. To say conversation implies that there is some back and forth - i wish! Mostly, I am swimming in fear stories and starting fights or imagining discord with the ones I love. The main fear right now is "it will always be this way"... I will always work hard for little money, I have extremely limited amount of alone time, no one understands/supports me in my art-work-motherhood and it's a struggle to make ends meet and I am exhausted. Even though I have had the OPPOSITE EXPERIENCE and I know that the one true thing about the universe is THINGS CHANGE... I still sink into a depressive state.

One of the most rewarding aspects of doing intuitive work with clients is that it is totally inspiring - it's so easy to see and learn from another's journey. Their gifts are boldly shining through and their talents are obvious. "Next steps" show up easily and want to be taken.... and compassion for the client overflows as we gain more clarity of what they are up against in the story of their life. However, it is vastly more challenging to have patience and compassion for my own experience when I am swimming in my own fish bowl... choking on the shit of my internal lies... it will always be this way.... leading me to my worst fear = homeless, alone, poverty, hunger and cold.

I found these helpful tidbits through friends recently:

1. Let go of fears that appear as obstacles. When something is not working, ask yourself "what am I afraid of?" Let go of the fear and remember what's important.

2. When it feels too hard, appreciate something.

So far today, Addie had an easy time going to her new school. I saw my new friend joe at the Whole Foods - love him, hugged him 5 times, he fed me a yummy pear.

I also am paying attention to what I am advising others - always a powerful practice for me. Here I will skip the "story" and jump right to this: I am going to be putting more energy into MYSELF, an artist, which includes being more open about my process in this blog.

+ Time of Year

I haven't been writing. It's a hard time of year for me. 2 weeks from now is the anniversary of my dad's death. It will be 3 years on November 11. This year was way easier than the first 2, but "it" does not go away. I am doing the things I love to do and trying not to make a big deal out of how lost I feel at this time of year. Addie is amazing and takes up a lot of my attention. Helping her to grow and learn in a good way is a real challenge. At 22 months, she has her own ideas about what she wants to do and eat, when and where. Since we just took a bog trip to vermont and are now recovered....it's back to the old "schedule." Structure is a very relaxing place, once it is in place.

Currently I am working on my family's Halloween costumes. This is the best holiday for me. I'm wondering how deep I can go into the theme I am working with... and not offend others. My spirit cries for MORE artistic expression. It is dying to go TOO FAR. My friend Susan sent me a great quote from Paulo Coelho, "Don't control your brakes. Just make your horn louder!" I'm going to try to incorporate this idea with my other favorite quote, given to me by my crone friend Margo - "Right on Schedule." Next week, I start on my holiday show - sew sew sew!

Another deep sigh of relief. Good friends help with all sorts of things. 2 more weeks and then my dad's anniversary will be over and we start year #4.

+ behind

I am SO far behind in my posts... but not necessarily in my picture taking. Lots of pictures, very little time to post. Addie just started school yesterday (2 mornings a week at a local waldorf pre-school) and it feels a little traumatic. I've cried both days so far. On top of that, she seems to be potty-training herself. Today when she got up from an incredibly short nap, she said she had to pee.... and we took off her diaper and she peed in the potty - HURRAY. Then, 10 minutes later, she dropped a giant turd on my floor - oh well. She also seems to be cutting back on her nap time. So many changes all at once. Even though I have had enough experiences with her to know that these changes come in waves and cycles.... there is a part of me that screams TOO FAST, TOO MUCH, NOT READY!!!!! And yet, she is ready and it's happening.

As the boss of me, I am giving myself the afternoon off to breath, rest and feed myself. I am running my race on Saturday and want to be filled with energy!!!!!

+ getting ready

I'm in my 4th week of training with Anne Marie and it's pretty awesome. My running event is coming up Oct. 3. I can't believe how much I am loving it and it is HARD work. I am having to be very organized to get all my "things" done. Monday morning is still my clean the house time, plus shopping. That means I have to get up early to do the workout or seriously hustle to do both the cleaning and exercise! I like the challenge of making it a game - to get everything done (that I committed too), but it can me SO LAME sometimes when I just want to loaf about like "the good ol' days". Lots of structure!

This week I need to focus on the promotional materials for the Petaluma Art House, so people know about it! The window is now officially in the studio and I planted the flower box (formerly a chicken roost) with amazing succulents. It's looking sweet. I can't wait to decorate the inside, as soon as the sink is flowing~

Hopefully, we are starting class next week.

Love it!

+ End of July - Healthy Living

I've been in my office all week... (which I love!) We found an awesome babysitter to cover for addie's regular babysitter, so I have been able to get lots done. Addie is now 19 months old and so awesome. It just gets better and better. Anyway, as we get settled into Petaluma and acclimated to our new community, things are starting to shape up. My friend Mary said that it takes a year to move-in and she wasn't exaggerating.

My focus right now is on Health. Healthy ME, healthy business, healthy structures and routines. I am working with a personal trainer, Anne Marie, who I love and she's got me running again, which I am thrilled about!!! I am reclaiming my competitive-athlete-self that I abandoned after the glory days of high school. As part of my training, I have to go to the gym - which is a little scary for me because it's been 18 years since I have had a gym membership! But I am looking forward to figuring it out and using the Kids Club. At the same time, I am redesigning and updating my Build Altar's website, as well as continuing to build out the home studio/classroom. It feels good to have all this movement in areas where I think "this can never happen".

I am being "asked" to change a lot of my OFP (old family patterns) and not-yet-conscious beliefs about being allowed to just BE WHO I AM. It's painful. For those with Astrology backgrounds, Pluto is transiting my ascendent in Capricorn. That means I am experiencing the death and rebirth of my "image, front door, mask, outer personality, social persona, what others see" - it feels ugly and embarrassing to feel so vulnerable and public, but I also have a deep commitment to authenticity, so i don't tend to hide what I am experiencing.

I love what Molly Hall writes about this aspect, my rising is Capricorn. "The Capricorn rising is a realist that focuses on getting things done. The Capricorn rising is a realist that focuses on getting things done. You have a sense of purpose, especially if you've found your calling. You don't like to 'hang out,' preferring to be always engaged in something productive. You are serious and may come across as a stern know-it-all. But others respect your ability to achieve, and know that you're a person who means what they say. Yours is a Saturn-rule chart, since Saturn rules Capricorn. This brings you severe tests that require discipline and perseverance to overcome. Your childhood may be marked by hardship or harsh parenting. You may be ruthlessly self-critical. But you make a capable first impression. You're a leader that people trust to 'keep it real' by not taking too many risks. You don't buckle under pressure, and may emerge as a public figure."

Right now, I am working hard on owning my Capricorn-ness. "Each rising sign (ascendent) has specific lessons that need to be learned. When those traits are owned, and integrated into the personality, the rest of the chart can find its way out into the world, and express itself with true integrity. The integration of that part of us can help us become more effective in life, as well as to understand how we're coming across, and how we connect with others."

It's an amazing journey. I feel so lucky to my family and friends I can share it with.