+ love petaluma, full of treasures

Our floor

Keep it Simple

Today is monday. It's hard to stay in the present tense. I want to jump to Wednesday, the 3rd anniversary of my dad's death. Then I want to jump past it. The anniversary is a creeper. It's the slowest part of my life. It takes months to arrive. It refuses to go at anyone's pace but it's own. It's a killer. It's painful. I try to keep working, but the business slows down. I try to create classes but no one signs up. I fight with myself and make myself wrong for not being able to "push through" the quagmire, but alas.... it is what it is. I still wish it wasn't.

Life is so different since he died. My family is so different. My relationship with my mother and siblings are different. Many of the differences are good but we are all in pain. We all have our own ways of dealing with his death. HIS DEATH. It feels like it belongs to him. His birthright, his death. I want to scream, "selfish bastard, we are the one's suffering!" It's hard not to judge others, even dead others, but it's harder still to not judge ourselves. There is no good way to do this. No grace in grief. It's messy and ugly and makes me want to yell at others. It's the pea under the mattress that keeps you awake, only the pea is the size of an orca.

Today is monday. I did my monday routine yesterday so I could be free today. Yet, I don't feel free today. Furthermore, I don't really want to do the things I thought I did. I don't want to meet new people in the playgroup I want to join. I don't want to watch addie. I don't want to NOT watch addie either. I don't want to work or clean up my studio. I just want to be by myself AND I don't want to hire a babysitter. Can you understand why forward action is impossible? That's suffering.

So now what? what do I really want to do today? (I listen for the answer and nothing comes.) So, I guess the answer is Nothing. Okay. I'll do nothing. I'm feeling better already. Keep it simple Sullivan. No pushing. (I'm secretly excited by this answer, because when I let myself do nothing, I usually have a great day. no promises.)

On to gratitude Last night we had Sunday Supper with our friends in Healdsburg. It was lovely. Good company, wine and food. We don't see them a lot these days because we are trying to settle into our life in Petaluma, but mostly... it's because we are tired parents. Two of our Jen friends have new babies, Ivy & Flora, to compliment there cute 4 year old sons. It was magical to smell the babies. So many memories of sweetness came flooding in.

A Good Morning

Dad went fly fishing, so it's just us girls in bed this morning. These are the most precious moments. Look at those cheeks.... I smother them with kisses while she cries for her morning apple "juicy." Yes, this is the juicy.... kiss kiss kiss.

One thing I have been struggling with is my schedule. Monday is my "clean the house" day which also included bills, thank you notes, groceries, sheets, laundry, etc. I hate to have this shit drag on through out the week, so I have trained myself (a painfully slow process) to straighten up throughout the week, as well as do all the basics on one day. This program more or less works. However, I want to join new playgroup that meets Monday mornings. My first reaction is "this will never work!" I've been in that place for 2 weeks. However today, Sunday, I decided to get my "clean the house" day done early. This would not only please my husband (who loves coming home to a clean house) but this will also free me up to do the playgroup on Monday. AND the best part.... maybe steve will help me if it's on Sunday morning instead of Monday! Less work for mama is a good thing, and he usually doesn't mind cleaning. I'll keep my figures crossed and let the form be loose. Honestly, I'm shocked that I even thought of this idea. It makes me wonder... where else am I stopped in the "this will never work"?

It was a good morning, productive and juicy.

Sunrise Today

It's funny. Right now I am keenly aware of my cycles, or cycles themselves. I keep feeling lost and then I find myself again. I feel on-track then off-track, I feel good about myself then I feel bad. I compare myself to others, than I feel fortunate for all my gifts and talents. It always rebalances itself. Why do I expect that it should stay in one place? The nature of things is movement. Nothing is static. Everything changes.

Today I am grateful. Addie went poopoo in the potty (even though she seemed surprised and sounded slightly alarmed.) She also started dancing in a new way which made me stop what I was doing to laugh my ass off. She loves music and dancing. What kid doesn't?! She's definitely tempermental at 22 months, but overall she is amazing to be with. She is so super cute and fun. I am also grateful that Steve is fishing. It makes me happy when he takes care of himself.

I will post an art update tomorrow. I am excited about the Holiday show at Jack and Jills and hope to figure out some next steps as far as Petaluma Art House and teaching/arting/magic.

Walking as the sun sets

Sun is setting on the old structure, but the dawn has not arrived!

I am thinking about the New Structure again today. After a little chat with my BFF Fern, I find myself distinguishing present tense versus past tense. The cold hard fact is - what worked in the past does not seem to hold water in the present - aka it's a leaky container. There has been some mending of the container along the way, but basically we are due for a totally upgrade. As I have distinguished this for many of my clients in the recent past, I am now letting myself in on the information (in a conscious way.)

In an attempt to wrestle the demon of my amorphous to-do list yesterday, I just simple wrote everything down. It was not a pretty list, but it was not the ugliest list either. One of the main things that jumped out at me across the board was that I need to get my info updated. My dad died 2 weeks before I married steve. This was insane. Consequently, I have had a lot of resistance to changing my name and going through the hassle of updating all my IDs. This has been on my list for 3 years now. I think it is time to cross it off. Therefore, using the advice of my magical astrologer friend, I made a list for the planet Saturn as it has entered Libra (Oct. 29) to help me out. Saturn loves lists.

Saturn is practical. Saturn is about planning, structure, work, right timing, authority and is symbolic of the father figure. In Libra, there is a strong desire for balance and harmony in relationship. Therefore, Saturn in Libra wants structures that support relationship. When Saturn passes through any sign he challenges us with the question "what is not working here?"... often with a full-court press. Consequently, I feel like the screws have been tightened and I have to make some major changes in the way I do business, both personally and professionally, as well as in all my relationships. The buck stops HERE.

+Milk Weed Pod

+ Vermont

+ groupie

Addie sees a live band :)

+ Harvest Show

The Deep Woods creatures are "in the mail" to Vermont for the Harvest Show at Mary Swanson's Art House in Middlebury. They were all very excited and happily shoved themselves into a flatrate box to make the journey. I will be seeing them again next week, when Addie, nana and I fly out to visit Mary, the Art House and to see the trees!

+ Winner!!!!

Mommy and Addie, after getting our medal!

Me, Anne Marie and Addie - postrace

I had a really great time at the Napa Valley Stomp 10k. It was hard, challenging and fun. My intention was - Safe, Fun, Fast - and I had that experience. (I think it is hilarious to incorporate "safe" into my intentions, but the truth of parenthood is - it is never a good idea to have a parent "go down".) Anyway, I came in first in my age group (30-39) and third for women and tenth overall. I was shocked and thrilled to realize that I had done so well.

I had many doubts and fears. My main fear was that I would go out too fast and not be able to complete the race well. My other fear was that I would start out too slow and not be able to catch up. Now, looking back, I think I could have quickened my pace a little more in the beginning, so I would not have been so hard pressed to speed like a demon down the mountain at the end. All in all, I impressed myself and had a huge amount of flashbacks. I am happy to say that I am still interested in trail running and look forward to my next strange adventure.

Finally, I am really grateful to my coach, Anne Marie for all her help, support and inspiration. She even came to my race and warmed me up! What a good friend :)

+ mommy's shoes

Happy Equinox!

+ Baby Takes a Self Portrait

Addie got a hold of the camera again.

+ The Driver

This is Cousin Carmen. What more can I say?

+ sharing kisses

Addie and her cousin Carmen in the bath giving kisses.

+ top of the world

+ bench

+ where's Addie

+ snake lady love

I recently finished this painting. Oh, how the snakes do appear!

+ Monster Who Ate My Dad

Monday is house-cleaning day. I learned this technique from FLY LADY. No matter how I "feel"...I clean the house on Monday. Then I'm done. I actually love it. That being said, I was super busy today and didn't even remember to take a daily picture until now - 10PM - headed to bed. So, here it is. I looked around my office and the thing that got my attention is the Monster Who Ate My Dad. Enjoy...